Happiness Isn’t Far

 It’s simple logic. In this life there will be things we cannot change, things we wish we could change, but more importantly the memories we’ll wish we could just erase, yet we can’t. IT’S not hard to face the truth yet it’s simple once you do. There was nothing to it, and in all honesty I’m not going to be writing in this blog as much anymore. I turned to the internet at a time when I thought nobody would hear me, at a time when I wanted to be so many things I could never be, and a time when I felt so alone because the only thing I could think of was my life revolving around one single human being. Well I’d like to tell everyone who is willing to read this last post of mine on this blog some advice:

If you have something good, don’t give it up. It doesn’t matter who tells you it isn’t right, it doesn’t matter what they say, if deep down inside your heart it makes you happy then fight for it despite all odds because one day when it’s over you’ll want it back, trust me. This brings me to the next thing, if someone really truly deeply loves you they will always be by your side, and if you do happen to let them go, know if they really love you they’ll always be there for you and not for a second should you doubt that they would be right there waiting for you. Stop caring what other people will think, if something didn’t work out it didn’t work out because that person was not meant to be in your life and trust me it’ll be hard to believe, but you’ll make memories you won’t be able to trade for the world. I’m not ashamed to say it, yes I messed up. I was lost, I was confused, I was impulsive, I was reckless, and I was young. I made many mistakes and sometimes I still do, the only difference is this time around I don’t let them become the weight on my shoulders, I try my very best to make the most of everything as best as I can. There isn’t a single thing that I can do to try and save myself from the past, that girl isn’t me anymore. I don’t care to feel the way I used to and this new feeling is liberating, I wake up in the morning and I know that after you have lost greatly nothing in this world can ever tear you down quite the same ever again. It’s a miracle that you’re alive and please just enjoy those nights you spend with your best friends, the time you spend ridiculous amounts of money you don’t have shopping, the day you have an essay due in an hour yet your still procrastinating simply because your best friend wants to visit you and hangout. Remember the nights you were so drunk crying your heart out over a past lover, remember the night you played beer pong and your best friend grabbed your mothers statue of Jesus and stated “SOMEBODY GET ME SOME SYRUP, LET’S MAKE THIS A SWEET JESUS” just for the hell of it! Remember the times you skipped class and went to a skate park on the coldest day ever simply because smiling was so hard you couldn’t stand to be anywhere near the place all your memories laid. Forgive all those people you once hated, forgive the ones you’ll never speak to again not because of you but because of all, and above all love every single moment whether good or bad because you’ll never get it back again. People will always have an opinion, someone will always judge you, and nothing you do will ever be perfect. You’ll have days where you feel beautiful, nights where you feel so hideous you’ll want to hide away forever, just remember no matter what you look like someone will always love you for you and that’s what matters most. Don’t compare yourself to the next girl or boy, never compare your standards or happiness based upon the status of another humans beauty, look in the mirror again and realize your glow is just as radiant, you’re beautiful too, we all are. The road is going to be hard and bumpy, but I can honestly say, I’m not happy alone, I’m not alone at all, I’m happily surrounded by the people who understand me, the people who love me, and most importantly the people who mean the most to me in this life. I don’t care what rumors idiots want to spread, what eyes people want to make anymore, if it makes me happy I’m going to do it, and I think somewhere along the lines life will find a way to figure all the in-between out. If there’s one last piece of advice it will be this, and only this. Never regret the choices you have made, no matter how desperate they may make you seem, how stupid, how much pride you may lose no matter how terrible they may make you seem, if it’s worth one last shot for you to realize that you needed to have a door slammed in your face, take it, because in then end at least you’ll know and eventually life will fix the broken way you feel. I had to lose my way to realize half of these things and so much more, up to the point where I realize whoever reading this if you are still reading this, well these words won’t do much for you until you’ve lived them. So I hope you can at least keep them in mind when you’re laying on the floor somewhere crying your eyes out, contemplating suicide, so drunk or high you can’t even function properly, and realize that you don’t need any of those things, you don’t need someone who’s already gone, and most predominantly, you don’t need anyone else’s opinion to make you, at the end of the day you’ll always be the best of who you really are and that’s what matters the most. I hope you are happy and I hope you live a life you’ve always wanted, because I know that although I won’t be sharing pieces of my thoughts at all or as much anymore, I’ll be living and no longer will I feel the need to be heard, I have my pride, my voice, and my happiness and that’s all I need to survive, I’m grateful.

I wish everyone the absolute best! (:

xoxoxo

– Ash ❤

Life’s Fragility

     “Everything Comes to An End, Infinitely.” 

 

I didn’t believe in the words while they were still hanging out there somewhere in the air, they held no true meaning and no true feeling. I never thought that the day something realistically alarming struck, I’d fall apart so maniacally. I couldn’t eat, the food I tried to consume seemed to push itself out of me in the worst ways possible, every time I managed to awaken myself from hours of slumber the only thing running through my mind was he’s not going to be alright this time. The pain of losing a friend or well better said a best friend is something that not even I will ever be able to comprehend. In a moment he could have been gone, lost under some comatose state, never to awaken and to only someday rot ten feet under the ground, in a way so cruel I’d never be able to see him again. I wanted to scream and shout, cry until there was literally NOTHING left for me to surrender, for the day in itself was already gray and the worry that consumed my heart was the type of worry that I only got with one other human being, my grandfather. How could anybody, ANYONE, keep on living when the heart of another stops beating? I know it’s a process of life, it’s the way things go, but that’s only a concept that I can grasp when the person laying on that metal slab is me…

   I can accept the death certificate so long as it’s my name on it, but the name of someone I love? That’s something entirely fathomless! I just can’t continue writing on this topic… I thought I could but I can’t, sorry for the rapid ending here. I just need to stop this…

“Maybe it’s more like you said before, all of us being cracked open, like, each of us starts out as a watertight vessel, and these things happen, these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack open in places, and I mean, yeah, once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable, once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled, but there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart, and it’s only in that time that we can see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks, and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks, and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.” – John Green

I adore this quote, its utterly breathtaking and describes human nature almost too perfectly. We can’t truly connect with another person until we see through their cracks, until we see every single piece of them that’s been broken but never left behind. In this life everything we’ve said or done that was a major impact stays with us, while time does heal, you can never perfectly re-seal or over-do something that’s already been broken. That’s why before you get to know someone, or dare to call someone your lover or even a best friend, truly see what it is that they have hiding behind their eyes and don’t judge them for it, love them ten times more for being honest with it. We all make mistakes, we all have skeletons, some more piled than others, but deep down we’re all equally as beautiful. Not all, but to a certain extent most. 😛 I believe all it takes to get to like or know someone is to simply accept them for who they are, simply love them no matter what the costs just don’t lose yourself in the process of trying to save another, because sometimes we need to save ourselves before we’re ready to accept the help from another!