Let’s Fly

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“I suppose when you’re already alone inside your head it couldn’t hurt anymore than it already has to see someone go.” -Me

 

I deactivated my Facebook account again today because I’m unsure if I’ll be able to be on the site without shit posting about all these negative things I feel surging through my head right now. I’ve been playing the part up pretty well, but the truth? I haven’t been eating much because my whole body feels extremely heavy, whether light or not I feel like I just need to take a needle and pop my whole existence into oblivion once and for all.

I have all these contradicting thoughts inside my head telling me to reach out for help then retreating back because the last time I reached out for help I didn’t feel any better, in fact I felt more isolated than I’d ever felt before. I keep telling my boyfriend that I’m alright, but I’m not sure if I am because he can sense that something is different or wrong, but how do I tell him that it’s all inside my head? Everything he wants to shelter me from is inside my very own brain and there is no way of telling it to stop because it won’t. How could it?

I’m afraid that if I continue this way my paranoia or anxiety will get the best of me. I cannot write more because right now I’m afraid and I think it’s best I go back to my room where it’s safe and I have a place to sleep. If I sleep none of these things inside my brain can manifest themselves into a reality, I can be at peace. I will sleep.

 

 

 

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Breathe Easy Kid, It’s April

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They say April showers bring May flowers and I’m still sitting here wondering if they’ll be as beautiful as they look up close from six feet under the ground. I know, that’s a mouth full, right? I shouldn’t be talking like this and looking back now I think I’ve overcome so much, two failed suicide attempts forward and here I am sitting in front of this computer holding on with everything I’ve got. I’m back to this blog because it’s always been a safe place of expression for me and right now I need that more than anything, it feels almost like a second nature just being back here once more. People say you don’t know what it’s like to miss something until it’s gone and I’ve never believed in a saying so much until I had to look at the whole world moving forward while everything I ever do or did stands still. Is it alright to feel so empty?  IS IT ALRIGHT? I don’t really know the answer to that question and sometimes more often than not it’s easier to pretend because when you do everyone around you is happy, everyone so long as convinced that everything is alright will leave you in peace and won’t see you as a failure. I’ve been feeling like my eyes have been crying oceans lately, no matter where I look or where I turn there’s always my reflection looking back at me. The reflection I created within my own ocean of misery that’s filling up my lungs, invading into my head and seeping out of my ears with an unbearable ringing sensation that’s leading me towards jumping off into the arms of this ocean once and for all. Is it possible to hate something so permanent, so grounded, the only face you’ve ever known as your own? I can’t look myself anymore in the eyes without feeling like something is missing, like the moment I turn to walk away the girl starring back at me will rip out my soul and run away into some other dimension where the grass really is greener on the other side. It’s the insecurity that everyone will get tired of my shit and just say “Enough, you’ve been this way for way too long and you’re never coming back, I’m done!” I play these moments like re-runs that never aired on television behind my eye lids that act like screens only playing my biggest nightmares over and over again every time I sleep. I’ve grown insecure and afraid of being alone, I haven’t really written anything in over a couple of months, I don’t even log on a journal anymore, I used to do that every single day? Now I’m just living to try and survive without ripping out my brain and throwing it out into the sea. My body is tired from abuse, the abuse of not eating because it’s easy to forget to put something into your mouth when you really never want to get out of bed, it’s easy to forget to drink water as well too when you know it’ll only lead to a trip to the bathroom and that’s the unsafest place to go, the mirror in there is just too large, you know your reflection isn’t going to be the girl you used to be before you turned 13. But you’re 21 now and everybody knows you need to grow up somehow, that’s where I feel myself sinking, the water is rising above my head and all this pressure is weighing in above me, I try to reach out to someone and the moment I do I feel the pressure growing heavier, I’m only a dead weight to them. Everyone is tired of getting themselves wet in my ocean of misery, nobody wants to be out here with their arms outstretched into waters they know they’ll never find me in anymore, is it alright to be afraid now? Would it be alright if I wasn’t afraid either? I don’t know what to feel anymore, with the whole world before me a whole life still awaiting ahead, I only hope to put all of these bad things to rest, I just want to be free, all I really want is to feel free.

Happiness Isn’t Far

tumblr_m342p9V3rt1rn2zr3o1_500 It’s simple logic. In this life there will be things we cannot change, things we wish we could change, but more importantly the memories we’ll wish we could just erase, yet we can’t. IT’S not hard to face the truth yet it’s simple once you do. There was nothing to it, and in all honesty I’m not going to be writing in this blog as much anymore. I turned to the internet at a time when I thought nobody would hear me, at a time when I wanted to be so many things I could never be, and a time when I felt so alone because the only thing I could think of was my life revolving around one single human being. Well I’d like to tell everyone who is willing to read this last post of mine on this blog some advice:

If you have something good, don’t give it up. It doesn’t matter who tells you it isn’t right, it doesn’t matter what they say, if deep down inside your heart it makes you happy then fight for it despite all odds because one day when it’s over you’ll want it back, trust me. This brings me to the next thing, if someone really truly deeply loves you they will always be by your side, and if you do happen to let them go, know if they really love you they’ll always be there for you and not for a second should you doubt that they would be right there waiting for you. Stop caring what other people will think, if something didn’t work out it didn’t work out because that person was not meant to be in your life and trust me it’ll be hard to believe, but you’ll make memories you won’t be able to trade for the world. I’m not ashamed to say it, yes I messed up. I was lost, I was confused, I was impulsive, I was reckless, and I was young. I made many mistakes and sometimes I still do, the only difference is this time around I don’t let them become the weight on my shoulders, I try my very best to make the most of everything as best as I can. There isn’t a single thing that I can do to try and save myself from the past, that girl isn’t me anymore. I don’t care to feel the way I used to and this new feeling is liberating, I wake up in the morning and I know that after you have lost greatly nothing in this world can ever tear you down quite the same ever again. It’s a miracle that you’re alive and please just enjoy those nights you spend with your best friends, the time you spend ridiculous amounts of money you don’t have shopping, the day you have an essay due in an hour yet your still procrastinating simply because your best friend wants to visit you and hangout. Remember the nights you were so drunk crying your heart out over a past lover, remember the night you played beer pong and your best friend grabbed your mothers statue of Jesus and stated “SOMEBODY GET ME SOME SYRUP, LET’S MAKE THIS A SWEET JESUS” just for the hell of it! Remember the times you skipped class and went to a skate park on the coldest day ever simply because smiling was so hard you couldn’t stand to be anywhere near the place all your memories laid. Forgive all those people you once hated, forgive the ones you’ll never speak to again not because of you but because of all, and above all love every single moment whether good or bad because you’ll never get it back again. People will always have an opinion, someone will always judge you, and nothing you do will ever be perfect. You’ll have days where you feel beautiful, nights where you feel so hideous you’ll want to hide away forever, just remember no matter what you look like someone will always love you for you and that’s what matters most. Don’t compare yourself to the next girl or boy, never compare your standards or happiness based upon the status of another humans beauty, look in the mirror again and realize your glow is just as radiant, you’re beautiful too, we all are. The road is going to be hard and bumpy, but I can honestly say, I’m not happy alone, I’m not alone at all, I’m happily surrounded by the people who understand me, the people who love me, and most importantly the people who mean the most to me in this life. I don’t care what rumors idiots want to spread, what eyes people want to make anymore, if it makes me happy I’m going to do it, and I think somewhere along the lines life will find a way to figure all the in-between out. If there’s one last piece of advice it will be this, and only this. Never regret the choices you have made, no matter how desperate they may make you seem, how stupid, how much pride you may lose no matter how terrible they may make you seem, if it’s worth one last shot for you to realize that you needed to have a door slammed in your face, take it, because in then end at least you’ll know and eventually life will fix the broken way you feel. I had to lose my way to realize half of these things and so much more, up to the point where I realize whoever reading this if you are still reading this, well these words won’t do much for you until you’ve lived them. So I hope you can at least keep them in mind when you’re laying on the floor somewhere crying your eyes out, contemplating suicide, so drunk or high you can’t even function properly, and realize that you don’t need any of those things, you don’t need someone who’s already gone, and most predominantly, you don’t need anyone else’s opinion to make you, at the end of the day you’ll always be the best of who you really are and that’s what matters the most. I hope you are happy and I hope you live a life you’ve always wanted, because I know that although I won’t be sharing pieces of my thoughts at all or as much anymore, I’ll be living and no longer will I feel the need to be heard, I have my pride, my voice, and my happiness and that’s all I need to survive, I’m grateful.

I wish everyone the absolute best! (:

xoxoxo

– Ash ❤

Finding Ashley

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It’s been quite awhile since I last felt like myself. In all honesty sometimes I just imagine myself falling through the lines of reality into a simplistic vision of the way things are in my dreams opposed to the way they are in raw actuality. I feel the pressures of life crushing my spirit that just wants to soar free to the greatest of heights where not a single soul can reach or see me. I keep on opening and closing these doors within this fortress of complexity that I’ve built to fence the “real” Ashley in, it’s been so long now that I’m finally coming through, I’m not ever sure… Do I even like me? I am who I am, I’m the girl who went through a lot but nothing much at the same time, life gave me the shit end, but it also gave me the highest of peaks I could have ever imagined, and if she be so cruel, why am I so damn happy? It makes no sense to me sometimes, and just when I think I’m hitting the answer it seems like every single thing I believed in falls apart right before my eyes. I see the faces of people I used to know, the smiles of those who still dare to look into my eyes and feel the warmth I’d like to share, and what’s the difference? Time has a funny way of separating us from the people or moments we want to savor the most, it’s like a beautiful windy sunny day that we just want to capture in a photograph or in a bottle to release another day when our hearts are aching to be burned by beautiful sunlight then refreshed by the cool kisses of the wind. It’s unfair how after something ends we’ve got to keep living but I’ve realized that in my solitude I found hope. I thought I had found it many times before, in fact, I even believed I’d found it the day after my first attempt at suicide, but truthfully? That wasn’t it. I found hope when I actually didn’t need to fight to survive anymore, when I faced the simple truth that life moves on and no matter how much we want to give up, sometimes we just can’t. I matured and grew in areas I’d never known possible, I was in such a dark place, how did I ever escape? Looking back now my thoughts were all gray spots of unfamiliarity and fear. I thought I was being strong by building walls so high, but in reality I was only caging myself like an animal in a place where only my thoughts could be the infliction of pain. Isolated and humiliated, I let everything around me fall apart, I withdrew from the world, I kept to myself, I lied to myself, I kept up foolish hopes that weren’t ever going to get me anywhere. Then it happened. It just hit me, like a semi-speeding down a rainy highway, I lost control of the wheel and for the first time in my life everything really had fallen apart…

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I remember the way it felt to make that everlasting long walk back into my home. I’d been away for so long I could hardly breathe in the familiar smells without stopping the oncoming waterfall of tears. After so much time away from my family, after find the courage to walk up to a past lovers door only to be rejected, after waking up the next morning alone without a single place to go, without anyone to call, without a single place to be safe, I for the first time, dropped my bags on the floor and let everything come spilling out of me. It was like slitting my wrists only this time without the blade, I felt the relief of the truth, there was no more in-betweens or what if’s, I’d given it my last shot, I’d given my spur of destruction it’s last run. As I cried with my mother and spoke to her words I’d never dared, as the days turned into weeks and those weeks turned into months I finally changed the way things really were. I got rid of all the things that made me sad, I set aside those people whom were only dragging me down further, and I decided to give new opportunities in life a chance. I stopped waiting for someone to come to my door, I knew it would never happen. I stopped crying over the past, and I stopped trying to prove to everyone around me that I wasn’t exactly what I had wanted them all to think I was in the first place. I stopped everything I’d been doing before and simply let myself live for the first time in my whole existence on earth, I just lived. Life became a beautiful place, it was no longer trivial game of chance, it was just simplicity. It was everything I never thought to dream of, it was radiating with beauty and self-acceptance. I was something I’d never imagined, I was actually a someone on this earth, I had feelings, I had smiles, and I most importantly have a bright future to look forward to. Just because one thing ended didn’t mean everything else had to, the opportunity to share my life with someone would come again, I just needed to learn how to love myself before I could ever hope to move forward. I needed to lose everyone, I needed to be alone, to learn how to appreciate the little things and the idea that sometimes life is going to be the biggest pile of shit you’ve ever seen. Although, if you just wait until the morning God will grant you another opportunity to feel the sunshine dancing across your eye lashes, the gentle breeze kiss your tired lips, and the moonlight of another perfect night to guide you through the dark. I was never alone, I was just scared of losing the one thing I thought I really needed and no matter how hard it was to face the truth, I did. I just let myself live and now in college it seems like all that is so many miles away, I just feel like I can’t wait and I’ll never let myself sink so low again. I’ll love my family for who they are and my life for whatever it may be, because I may not have everything materialistic but I have enough to everything else to help me value the real natural raw beauty of life. But most importantly because I’ve cried, because I’ve been rejected/hurt, I can now truly value the beautiful moments, I can learn the worth of something and the fragility of one’s choices. I won’t ever make the same mistakes again and although I may make more, I won’t ever let them drag me down, I’ll always keep pushing forward, I just hope somewhere out there tonight everyone who feels alone, can open their eyes a little wider, just wide enough to see the hope that’s shinning right before them, the beacon of light that’s just urging us all to move forward, to keep adventuring, experiencing, fighting, crying, loving, every single damned thing all into one. It just who and what we are, human. Sometimes we just need to feel in order to be anything at all, and tonight? Well I feel like Ashley is more lost than ever, but for one, I know somewhere deep inside she’s smiling because she’s only more and more footsteps closer each and every single day to finding the right path within the labyrinth of her heart. I just know right in the center is God, and he’s the reason she hasn’t fallen through. (:

Love

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There is no exact reason as to why anybody should give up on love.

If there is anything that I know and anything that’s true in this world, it’s love.

You can’t go wrong if you follow your heart, you can’t look back if you’re always looking forward.

Sometimes we are the exact copies of people we never wanted to be, that’s perfectly okay.

I promise you someday you’ll see that all your life will fall into line.

 

tumblr_m4emxseuzt1qivgtho1_500  I used to think that there was no hope left after something was lost, but that’s not the truth it’s exactly far from it. When you least expect it you’ll find a way to smile, you’ll find a friend, you will find a place to belong. I found myself within a week of solitary abandonment. I needed to feel like my family had turned their backs on me, like my friends were diminishing, like I would never resurface from an ocean of depression, so I could finally find that branch to cling onto. I pulled myself out of the water with the help of the people who had always been there all along, and even after I’m doing much better, those who mattered are still right here. It took me years of lying to myself, depression, angst, and un-necessary self mutilation for me to realize that I’m simply a human being! I woke up today and for some reason everything didn’t seem so impossible, my heart didn’t ache anymore over the things I’d lost, and the world wasn’t such a dreary gray place, it was beautiful and happy. I laughed with my family, I sang my heart out again, I was able to finally write without it feeling like a burden, I write because it makes me happy, I write because it’s my life, I write simply because it makes me feel like a someone in this world filled with millions of other people. My writing makes me feel unique, its distinguishes me from the many other thoughts that are just swimming around in someone else’s head. I never thought I’d see the day when I’d let go of my addictions, when I’d be able to truly stand up and smile, when I’d feel so complete. I’m not alone, I never was, which is probably the only reason I’m still alive and I thank each and every single person who stayed with me this long, because I promise I’ll return the favor and I will never turn my back on those who didn’t turn their backs on me. There’s so many reasons to smile, so many reasons to be happy, so many reasons for every single thing even the negatives, I just see now that there’s never a reason to drown under the pressure, tomorrow is literally just one night time away, and smiling now is so much better than crying over tomorrow. :’P

 

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Just forget about the people you can’t save.

Don’t try to change the moments that have already happened.

Never regret a choice you made, at that moment it was important to you.

Love whomever it is God puts into your path.

Forget about those people who will only bring you down.

Remember sometimes beauty is the face of evil.

Never be afraid to take rebellious risks, just know your limits.

If it strays you away from your path, have the courage to go back.

Above all?

Don’t trust fully, but trust enough. 

In this life if you live it reserved with so many walls, you’ll never have the opportunity to feel.

So stop pushing people away, allow yourself to feel the sunshine on your face, smile.

Feel confident even in the midst of all your flaws, its the only way…

To happiness, and darlings we all NEED to be happy. (: 

 

Nobody Can Tell You Otherwise

 

 

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“Be Bold, Always.”

I don’t think I can better explain the fact that sometimes my life is anything but meaningful. I’ve gone through moments where I just didn’t know what direction to walk towards, or what in the world I was doing. I’ve lost people that at some point I put higher than I should of, and I gained people that have never left my side since the very first day our lives merged. It’s a crazy wild world, and sometimes I find myself feeling like all I’ll ever be good at is destroying the foundations I try to create, yet that isn’t a reason to give anything up and I see that clearly now. All I know for sure is that sometimes it’s alright to disappear, it’s okay to be on your own, and it’s perfectly normal to have no exact direction in which to turn in. Everybody thinks that because life is only lived once, because it’s constantly moving forward, we have to have the blueprint figured out in such an advanced manner we don’t take the time to see the blue skies above or the beautiful rainy days ahead of us. It’s in the middle of those chaotic unexplainable ugly crying moments that we truly come to value life for what it is. Because as we sit there in our misery for a few seconds in time we are selfless, we give ourselves the chance to release the pain we feel, the time to just sit down and feel something in this reality that has molded us into people who can’t seem to admit one simple fact: We’re all human beings. We all go through the same emotions, we all feel the same things, but we all see things differently, every single one of us is unique, whether it be our stories, our style choices, or our voices, but deep down there is always something that makes us stand out in this world that tries to label each and every individual as a “poser” or a “generic copy cat,” embrace whatever it is that makes you, YOU, and don’t look back on anything you do or say because even if it lead you astray eventually you’ll realize why it was so important. We sometimes need to fail in order to win the biggest prize of all, and that’s the realization that life is always going to be difficult, but in one moment, a single moment where you’re smiling and there seems to be no troubles at all, serenity has found you and all the troubles you have ever gone through will vanish away almost like as if they were never really there at all. You’ll wake up another day and everything will seem far away eventually, you’ll do things you wish you could chance, you’ll face people you wish you could just run away from, and you’ll do it with your head held down sometimes, but don’t be ashamed because someday your head will be up so high again you’ll never even remember the day you felt the need to lower yourself. That’s the beauty of life, you never know when it’s going to hit you, but when it does it’s never in the prettiest form or the most magical, it isn’t the fairy tale story, or even the life you’ll have re-told through some cinematic climactic film, it’s the everyday life you’ll live like as if it was a novel or a movie, it’s the person you’ll become and the mark you’ll leave upon your own soul. So don’t look back anymore, drop the need to be remembered, and just do whatever it is that makes you feel like you. Eventually you’ll realize that life is what it is, you can’t change it, you can only accept it, and the sooner you do? The happier you will honestly be, I promise you’ll never be alone, this world is filled with billions and trillions of people, there will always be another chance, another moment, another smile, and another reason to keep on living. This crazy world has to be the greatest creation of all time, it’s impossible to be alone when every waking moment there is another chance to meet the love of your life, a best friend, a family, anything, it’s all about perspective and the way you choose to bend your soul to see things, if you ask me I’d say let’s try to feel lightly and see thing’s colorfully, it’s the only way to live, not simply survive. ❤ 

 

Do you sleep anymore?

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It isn’t something that can be made sense of and it isn’t something that I myself can actually even begin to explain. The way I feel deep down inside just doesn’t make any sense, the things I want to say don’t correlate with the way I want to feel and honestly, nothing I say will ever make me feel any better deep down inside about anything. I feel like a waste of space, a waste of time, and there’s nothing I can say to make myself feel better. After spending about a week away from home, what am I supposed to say to myself? Nobody will ever understand the way I feel deep down inside I’m all alone and it’s not because I have to be, it’s because I’ve forced myself to be. I’m certain to push everyone I love away, I know now that I can’t keep on putting everyone through the things that I’ve made them see. It just doesn’t feel right anymore and the harder I try to make things make sense, the more askew everything seems to become. You find yourself falling even deeper into this pit you can’t seem to pull yourself out of and the more you want to let people in to see the disaster you’ve created, the further away you push them. It’s that moment of desperation, that moment of fear, that moment when you just want somebody to hold you, that moment when you just long to go back in time to a place when things felt better, a time when things made a lot more sense. I’m not even sure right now if things will ever make sense again, but I’m living in right now and I’m going to try and tackle things as they come. I want to start taking walks again, I want to feel the way the weather outside makes my eyes see the world with a clearer perspective, I just long to feel anything that’ll make me feel alive. I need to start eating again and I need to let go of the depression that I feel is enveloping me entirely. I want to start talking to my family, spending more time with them, I just need something that isn’t the reality I created now. The only way to do that? Close my eyes and for one night actually let myself sleep. I need to feel the relaxation of a safe home, I need to organize my room, I need to fix the damages I’ve made, I need to re-collect the parts of me that I lost when I thought the whole world revolved around the moments that we regret or wish never happened. I don’t know what’s going to happen or when things will start to make sense, but I’m still alive and I guess that’s for some reason and although tonight I feel so depressed and down, I can’t neglect the idea that I surly am alive. I’m breathing and my eyes are still open, I can only close the chapter for good and start a new one from here. The opportunities are endless, the past is the past and I can’t keep trying to chase it or fix it, the only thing I can do is move on from it, I’ve learned that by now. So goodnight world, goodbye yesterday, and hello today. I’m not perfectly fine, but I’m okay. I’m alive and breathing, and someday I’d like to think that things in themselves will make sense, they’ll be everything I wanted them to be and more, I just know it, I just have no idea how to reach that, and I’d like to say that it’s okay..

Words Louder Than Thunder

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“It’s raining outside and for the first time in a long time, I’ve enjoyed every minute of it.”

Thing’s may not be anywhere near to where I want them to be.

But that’s okay because the way the sky looks when it’s gray reminds me I’m alive.

It’s hard to be depressed or even sad when the world is constantly spinning us in circles.

I’m a dizzy mess of happiness and misunderstandings, I wouldn’t want it to be any other way really.

 

It’s a bitter sweet feeling, watching the clouds sweep over the world, I sit here in my room on my second floor sipping on hot peach tea watching the drops of rain evaporate from the screen on my window wishing the water was here to stay, my hair is still damp from running through puddles and forgetting about my troubles, it doesn’t matter how old I get, I don’t want this part of my soul to ever evaporate away. It’s just a part of me that no one will ever be able to take away.

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Breathing: It Isn’t Always Easy.

tumblr_n182r7TSvL1s3k3zxo1_500     “Sometimes It’s Just Courage.”

 

       I don’t know if what I’m about to say will make sense, or if the words will even come out right, but there is one thing that’s been on my mind for a very long time and I don’t think I can even begin to understand the mess that has become of all my thoughts. If anyone understands or has an opinion, please feel free to comment, or like, just let me know that well someone understands?

     It’s a moment of reverie when I finally get to close my eyes and dream of something that doesn’t involve the moment I regret the most in my life. It’s been months passed and there is still one person I always think about and write about. It doesn’t matter to me anymore that the entire world says I should be over it, because pretending to be over it, is what got me to where I am now, in this state of constant denial or regret. The truth? Well the truth is that everyday I wait for him to send me a message, everyday I wait for someone to tell me the truth as to what really happened to us ending, I wait in vain because I know deep down the answer isn’t simply going to fall from the sky. So I fill myself with these crazy ideas of appearing on his doorstep, sending him a letter, or even simply just awaiting for the perfect moment when my heart can’t take this empty feeling and I’ll give up the idea of us ever being anything away for good. But you see, that isn’t going to happen because I know deep down what we had was something special to me, and although everyone has told me “You will never get the closure you need the most,” sometimes I think life isn’t about quotes, or things that sound deep, I think if I could just have a few words with him, or to even just know that he really didn’t want to speak with me anymore and was completely find without me, that I’d be able to find some peace of mind, enough to settle my heart into the idea that it’s alright for me to move forward. If there was any chance or even a spark in his eyes or heart that still glows for me, I’d like to know, I’d like to know that we can still give what we had a chance to actually grow and flourish, but I can’t do that if I keep on waiting for the rest of the world to tell me what I should do. So I just wonder if finding out would even be the right choice, the right idea, should I go out on a limb and tear my soul into bits with the truth, while still holding onto the idea of hope that maybe deep down he still does think about me too? How should I reach out to him? When if so? I mean I already have the answers to the rhetorical questions I’ve asked myself over hundreds of times, but what is it that I should really do? I always question myself, because what if this is just a moment of weakness, what if opening up the past is really the worst decision, what if the truth really does hurt me more instead of healing? I’ve just always been the type of person who doesn’t give up, especially if I know the reason to fight is more important that anything I’ve ever believed in. These are thoughts that keep my up late at night, this is the one thing that’s been holding me back from starting a new chapter, and I know deep down that walking away is probably the best decision, but I can’t walk away from something when  I just don’t know if it’ll continue being the one thing I regret the most in life. Some part of me still yearns to be impulsive, it is this part that tells me if I just take a chance, no matter what the outcome at least I’ll know, and until then can I put my heart to rest and begin to let another in. I just think sometimes, we all need to face the things we ran away from the most, in order to be able to let them go and make life their own. And I want so badly to make life my own, it’s just so difficult not knowing exactly what it is I should do.